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I outsourced my leisure time to a spreadsheet and a d20, and the d20 has clearly never met me. Here's what happened when a random number generator decided whether I became a Warhammer painter or a Mario Kart speedrunner. Spoiler: nerd cred cannot be grinded, only loosely approximated.
After one too many HR-adjacent silences in the break room, I compiled a field guide to the widening gap between nerd vocabulary and civilian comprehension. Spoiler: 'grinding' has never once involved the gym, and my aunt thinks a 'raid' is something you do to a pantry.
I spent a summer Saturday haunting estate sales across three suburbs and came home with five vintage controllers, each carrying more biological history than a middle school band room. Here's my official ranking of how horrifying they were to clean, from 'mildly sticky' to 'call the CDC.'
Every nerd community has its sacred milestones, and I have whiffed nearly all of them. From the revered RPG I still haven't finished to the midnight premiere I slept through, here is my full confession — and I want yours too.
I watched every major video game movie adaptation in one glorious, regrettable weekend and lived to rank them. From absolute crimes against fandom to films that are, shockingly, kind of fine — here's the definitive power ranking nobody asked for.
Every museum has plaques; why shouldn't my groaning IKEA shelf of cartridges and discs? I catalogued my dustiest retro treasures with full curatorial gravity, from 'Significant Historical Value (to me specifically)' to 'Please Do Not Touch.' The results are embarrassing, affectionate, and occasionally legally actionable.